Want to know whether to see it or skip it? Just ask the psychic critic. After spending countless years of his life seeing bad movie after bad movie his hatred for such dreckitutde distilled into a keen sixth sense allowing him to spot the duds with only a trailer and a movie poster serving as his talismans. If you’ve got a minute to spare the psychic critic will save you 90 minutes more.
Movie: Daybreakers
Director: Doesn’t matter
Star: Ethan Hawke (remember him? Yeah me neither)
Trailer: Opens up on a shrouded industrial city with the words “imagine a world where almost everyone is a vampire” cut with scenes of vampire attacks. My psychic powers tell me a world where everyone is a vampire saps all the seductive, mysterious, sexiness out of being a vampire. I’m seeing vampirism neutered. Next up are Scenes with vampires going about their night, waiting for the subway or in line for coffee. Way to take an iconic creature of literature and movies and reduce it to the common place. What’s next Hollywood: Me & Godzillla the story of a young woman and her feisty 500 foot lizard?
The trailer then flashes images of humans on the run, hunted and a couple shots of them trussed up like turkeys ready to be slaughtered for the coming meal. Ethan Hawke struts in. A panel flashes chief hematologist. Now there’s a hero we can cheer for. Go hematologist! I’m seeing an action less action movie battling the dreaded vampire virus! Scary!
There’s only enough blood left for one more month! More scenes of vampires freaking out over the blood shortage, and some man-bat things that everyone run from. Enter the hot chick with crossbow asking for help while aiming at Ethan’s heart. They found a cure apparently and a cowboy country fried William Defoe knows what it is. Shots of people with the voice over saying humans want to rebuild the human race. Really? 99.9% of the planet is a vampire and they can’t find the rest of the humans to farm for more blood? Where’s the super strength, keen senses, hell I’ll take some sparkly Twilight powers to spice things up in this boring mess.
Anyway, they clue us in that these people really are human beings because they like plants. I guess I didn’t get the memo that vampires don’t like plants. We get some shots of troops running through the streets with William and Ethan hiding, some hand holding (between the two who knows) then there are some shots of Ethan way sun kissed. He’s found a cure. Trank battles between vampires and humans. Some overwrought rock music, flames, car crashes, and random violence finish things off. If this is the best he can do after Training Day I’m not seeing much in the way of Ethan’s cinematic future.
Poster: The poster features Ethan Hawke up front in a trio of bad ass looking fellas. He’s flanked by William Defoe who just gets more and more scruffy as the years go by. He’s holding a shotgun. A shotgun says badass way more than a regular hand gun or even a M-16 could. A shot gun says “I’m gonna kill you up close mothafucka”. On his other side there’s the dude who got all Freaky in Event Horizon. The mood is dark and menacing. They’re walking through a sky tunnel at night. The moon is lit up in a cloudy night sky.
On the ground there’s a sign that says Still surviving 20% Blood.
Verdict: Skip it.
Justification: Vampires are supposed to dark sexy creatures of the night, not whiny worn out suits going to work to their 9 to 5 and bitching about the low content of the blood in their drinks. Whatever.
