KMK: Zero Sum Gain

I can’t stay silent any longer. I know I’ve only been here a short time, but how on earth can one expect me to stay on the side lines, turning a blind eye to the serious dearth of insightful and meaningful blogging from expats in Korea.

Really.

Stop the whining! Open the drapes or a window. Step outside into the sunshine and fresh air, yes the air is fresh that is not yellow dust but only a yellowy reflection of sunlight off the glass skycrapers, and leave those ball and chain computers behind. Of course the new bloggers on the scene may be forgiven for their tresspassess, but there should be no excuse for the die hard, entrenched, bloggers who grip this piece of the blogosphere in their Death Star grip.

The roll call of these secretive, back room, key board surfers dwelling in their cubby holes with fingers mindlessly typing away on the latest misperceived slight about the foreign community in Korea or spouting their ultra liberal maschoist diatribe should be brought dragging and kicking into the light of perspective.

Here we go!

http://zenkimchi.com/

Don’t be fooled by the recipes, restaurant reviews, or food journals because anyone with a discerning eye will tell you that the whole site is a cult. Don’t be fooled by the soothing layout because lying just beneath the surface of textual choreography lies a subversive element of seduction.

Zen Kimchi, if that truly is his name, cleverly pulls stories from across the Korean Blogosphere to create a hodge podge porridge of subtext designed to indoctrinate the reader into a life of link clicking servitude. Forever you will be trapped in the labyrinthine layers of the website.

Escape may only be possible through a power outtage or possibly by passing out due to sheer exhaustion. For those who don’t escape life becomes a total dedication to the Zen Kimchi. Trust me, first you’re innocently trying out that recipe for dakdoritang and then before you know it you’re wearing a Zen Kimchi T-shirt with a Zen Kimchi tatt branded on your left butt cheek. Yes, I said left butt cheek. Take note!

http://expatjane.blogspot.com/

Just as innocuous on the surface, but no less fiendish in her agenda is the architect behind Where the Hell Am I the indomitable Expat Jane. Unlike the Kimchi tactic of smothering you slowly in layers of link embedded content, Jane takes the more direct approach of clobbering you upside the head with words.

Big words. Little words. Shiny words. Monosyllabic words. Incendiary words. Witty words. Dazzlingly tongue twisting words. And words so inconceivably out of your realm of comprehension that the guilt of your own ignorance makes you pick up a dictionary while scowling at her bright smiling photo which leads your eye to her profile where you discover that that is not the alphabet behind her name, but her academic credentials!

Who is Expat Jane?

Well, a little birdie has informed me that this liberal libertine and essayist assassin extraordinaire is actually the alleged love child of Alan Keyes and Condolezza Rice! This online behavior can only be described as an exercise in rebellion! How else could you infuriate and incense Keyes and Rice except by speaking with intelligence and insight with a liberal world view? This is definite sitcom material: Jane brings home her Korean retro tied dyed ebonics speaking prom date to the staid Keyes-Rice home only to find mom’s slight frown and the vein in dad’s head about to burst. That’s must see TV.

http://www.rjkoehler.com/

The Marmot’s Hole may seem like a source of goings on and happenings in Korea, but please cast your eyes to right of your screen. Yes, I’m talking about the International Korean Dating Site advertisement not so discreetly placed in the corner. Cool, you think, right? Love connections across the boundaries of land and culture, but not so fast!

My little birdie once again informed me that this so called dating service is not quite what it seems to be. Be wary. Have you noticed that your Korean neighbor has forgotten to pick up his newspaper for a few days? Did your local 7-11 guy drop out of sight? Did your K teacher at school go out for lunch and never came back? Well it just so happens they may have fallen victim to the marmot’s hole Korean teacher slave trade where hundreds of Koreans are being kidnapped and shipped across the seas to American shores where they are forced to teach Americans Hangul.

Turn about is fair play. I guess the Marmot’s drastic measures are an attempt to force every Korean to recognize the plight of English Teachers in Korea.

Possible kidnappees who have may have escaped a kidnapping attempt reported hearing distinct shrill whistling while walking alone before someone tried to grab them.

This from wikipedia: Marmots typically live in burrows, and hibernate there through the winter. Most marmots are highly social, and use loud whistles to communicate with one another, especially when alarmed.

Need I go on?

http://metropolitician.blogs.com/

Bad, Korea, bad sums up the content of the metropolitician, or should I say Feetmanseoul, or Seoulglow, or Seoulbrother, or Seoulman, or any of the other countless pseudonyms he may be using out there! My little birdie even whispered that he quite possibly is half of all the blogs on the http://koreanbloglist.com/!

I am almost certain that he is the infamous stephy behind http://stephyinkorea.blogspot.com/.

This blatant attempt to take over the Korean blogosphere is megalomania at it’s finest since I hear that he also has a viral YouTube that takes over your computer and continually writes “Chances are, you are angry because I am a social critic in Korea, and you are not.” Yes, this may be true, but we are not pouting in a corner about it. At least not anymore.

So I hope I have shined a big bright illuminating spot light on this quartet often unscruntinized unscathingly in the Korean blogosphere.

Yeah, April Fool’s Day.