KMK: Twilight Saga New Moon Review

Twilight Saga New Moon Review. I finally saw New Moon. Let me just say that before I wrote this review I had to go home and exorcise the simpering teenage girl that possessed my body, took me to the theater, and refused to let me leave my seat even when Robert Pattinson‘s expression of love came across as if he was trying to move a really big one through his bowels. Maybe he was method acting. I don‘t know. But it was painful, especially for me, because I paid 10,000W to be there.

I really shouldn‘t blame anyone but myself. I was desperate and weak. These days there‘s nothing in the theater but time traveling nudists, world ending destruction porn, and Jim Carrey, so I needed a little fang fix. You see, I have a problem: I‘m an addict. Sadly, my vice of choice isn‘t sex, gambling, smoking or drinking. Nope, my irredeemable habit is good old fashioned blood sucking, preferably between gents sporting names like Steffan and Donovan with svelte bodies, tight abs, and dark brooding looks. I‘m a vampire geek and I‘m proud of it, except when it takes me to over packed theaters playing mind numbing insipid crap like New moon. I sat there dutifully waiting to bliss out on the menacing but seductive vampire cornucopia ,but instead I got an overdose of Bella Swan‘s bellyaching.

Bella‘s a living breathing sonnet of doom with unwashed hair and drab clothing. No wonder the supposed love of her life high tailed it out of dodge. But I digress. Let me take you back to the beginning of New Moon or rather Bella‘s Big Mope Fest. It all starts because she doesn‘t realize that maybe it‘s a bad idea to attend birthday parties where one of the guests is an out of control bloodthirsty blood sucker who just recently quit snacking on humans. One paper cut almost sends Bella to the other side and not in the way she wants.

The solution for Edward is to leave Bella, allowing her to live out her life in peace. Her solution is for him to change her into a vampire. She doesn‘t care that he believes that it would jeopardize her soul. That aspect of his character gets left behind and overlooked faster than she can change into a pair of black skinny jeans because, for Bella, it‘s all about her needs. She doesn‘t even take a moment to explore the idea of trying to convince Edward that he does have a soul. Nope, she‘s got no time for that. She needs to live forever and look beautiful forever so she can be with the man she wants forever whether he has a soul or not.

Clearly Bella‘s playing Go Fish to Edward‘s Poker Face so he does what anyone would do when faced with a needy, over bearing lover who‘s trying to guilt trip you into something you don‘t want to do: he dumps her deep in the forest. I don’t blame him one bit. Her obsession with being bitten combined with her dreary fashion sense and lack of melanin drove him away. Why doesn‘t she realize he loves that she‘s alive with a full life ahead of her? She should‘ve gotten some sun, a tanning machine, or possibly some bronzer to put some color in her cheeks so as not to look like his vampire sister; nothing like a little undead incest to scare a guy away. It surprises me she didn‘t send him running straight to Dr. Phil‘s couch.

So, hooray for Edward, but, as the audience, we get clean up duty forced to watch a torturous montage of Bella staring out of a window for three long months. She just sits in that same chair, in those same clothes, with that same pathetic expression on her face. The seasons may change but not her hair. You know, Bella, a shower and some fresh undies go a long way toward getting some male attention. In school she sits at the table Edward sat at. She probably goes to his classes, stands outside his house, and wears his old clothes. Eventually she tries to reconnect with her old friends. They should’ve given her the side eye. There’s no worse sin than ditching your friends when you get a man Luckily, for her, said friends overlook her recent douchey behavior. Of course she only does this because her father threatens to ship her off down to Florida to live with her mom to snap her out of her funk. I don‘t really blame her for clawing her way back into her circle of friends, I mean, I‘m sure those baseball sized Floridian mosquitoes aren‘t quite what she had in mind for replacing Edward.

Bella does attempt to make good by going to the movies with her girlfriend, Jessica, who she ignores the entire time. It‘s this scene that really is a telling moment. It reveals how selfish and unsympathetic Bella truly is. The audience has nothing invested in her because she‘s so vapid. Meanwhile, Jessica is sensible, smart and even though the movie tries to set her up as the chatterbox ditsy friend it falls flat because everything Jessica says makes sense. She chastises Bella for ignoring her behavior and reminds her that they all have problems to deal with. Not that Bella cares. She‘s busy putting the moves on rowdy biker boys because she discovers when nears dangerous situations a vision of Edward shimmers into existence to warn her. Too bad I didn‘t get that vision when I was buying movie tickets. Again, Jessica speaks words of wisdom that leave me wondering why she isn‘t the heroine. Bella ignores her. She‘s hell bent on seeing Edward, who admittedly makes for a lovely vision, but dang girl, have some self respect. She‘s going to risk life and limb not for the man she loves, but for a hallucinogenic shadowy doppelganger? I‘m not sure Betty Friedan would blanch or maybe start writing the Vampire Mystique.

Bella‘s desperation to get her fix of Edward leads her to get a pair of old beat up motorcycles for her friend Jacob to rebuild. The two grow closer. She enthuses over his dexterous hands bringing her closer to her motor cycle ride of death and he, well, I‘m not quite sure what he sees in her except possibly another fixer upper to rebuild from the ground up like a post Edward Bella 2.0. It doesn‘t work and Jacob‘s frustration with Bella matches our own. Actor Taylor Lautner possesses some keen acting skills because he actually manages to convince me he cares for Bella. Eventually I‘ll pinpoint exactly what makes her so appealing. For now I‘m chalking it up to her ability to graft onto a boy like some parasitic cave fungi that secretes endorphins into the bloodstream. Yeah, I‘m going with that.

Fortunately for Jacob he comes to his senses and stops calling Bella. Unfortunately, for me, I have to endure Bella as she struggles to cope with another pretty boy leaving her. Why she never suspects her aura of morbidity is beyond me. Nevertheless, she tracks down Jacob. At this point I‘m puzzling over the quandary of committing hari-kari with a soda straw, until Jacob appears back on screen. Except that this isn‘t the long haired affable Jacob of a few scenes back. No, this Jacob is magnetic and glorious with golden sun-kissed skin that glows with a heat that sears away any resistance or doubt. He‘s radiant. He sports a newly shaved crew cut and he‘s shirtless too. Did I mention that? It needs to be mentioned because he‘s like some primal wildcat; all sinewy muscle and fierce looks. The audience perks up, I‘m finally exhaling, and suddenly it‘s an all new movie experience.

Bella senses it too. Jacob wants her to go away, but she won‘t leave without an answer. She gets what she wants after provoking one of Jacob‘s new friends who weres out on her, forcing Jacob to reveal his own inner wolf. Jacob is enough to break a fellow out of his vampire habit and onto more vital werewolf lore. Don‘t get me wrong. Edward is attractive, but in a cold remote way. His beauty is fragile, like fine porcelain. I admire it and appreciate it, but I don‘t want to throw it down on the bed and ravish it. Bella feels the same. You can see it in her eyes, but she clings to the memory of Edward and when a misunderstanding leads him to believe she‘s dead she rushes to Italy to save him from the Vulori.

Edward plans to reveal himself to the human world and thus give the ruling clan of vampires cause to kill him. So we bid farewell to the magnificence of Jacob and instead bear witness to the Three Stooges of the Twilight Vampire world. Why these beings are feared is beyond me. Their leader, Aro, comes across like Mr. Bean with fangs. He‘s buffoonish and about as menacing as Count Chocula.

Bella‘s appearance before the Vultori intrigues them. She‘s immune to vampiric powers which don‘t explain how Alice‘s precognition ability works on her. Anyway they condemn Bella to death, but Edward fights to save her. In the end it‘s Alice‘s claim to have seen Bella as a vampire in the future that saves them all and brings them back to Forks safe and sound. Edward proposes, but Jacob kicks up a fuss reminding them all if any Cullen bites a human it will end their truce and his tribe will be going Edward hunting.

I‘m not sure if I‘ll be there to see all that. I‘m not seeing big things for Jacob in the next one and without him I‘m kind of left feeling blah about the whole Twilight thing. He‘s the only reason this movie got a second star from me. Let‘s hope for a Jacob spin off with him running shirtless through the forest stalking vampires.