After work we walked over to the Megabox theater, making sure to grab a taste of Coldstone Creamery beforehand.
I’m probably in the minority, but I’ve never read a Harry Potter book. Which seems strange to me since I’m such a big fan of Sci-Fi & Fantasy novels. Despite never picking up a Potter book I am still hooked on the movies.
Order of the Phoenix opens with Harry about to get his black trench coat on with a bunch of playground bullies. More disturbing than that is that Harry looks like he’s ready to shave his five o’clock shadow and grab a ciggy and a round of drinks at the local pub. The movie should have been called Harold Potter and the Revenge of Puberty.
When Harry returns to Hogwarts he’s immediately all doe eyed and knee deep in puppy love with fellow student Cho. Puppy love, I thought, isn’t he twenty five and divorced, with two kids?
After escaping a plot to have him expelled, Harry learns that all of Hogwarts and the magical realm thinks that he’s a liar with his talk about the return of Voldemort. Never mind the dead boy from the last movie who must have died from toxic hair gel and not the forces of darkness.
Meanwhile, Hogwarts is under siege by well intentioned do gooders who think the school needs to be shaken up to loosen the dangerous element of gum chewers and long hair hip hop bobbing magic users. This wave of back to basics is personified by new battler of the dark arts teacher, Dolores Umbridge, who resembles the Queen dipped in pink with veins pumped full of sugar. I just knew under that uptight exterior and pink buttoned down jacket and skirt that a tartish vixen in black lace lingerie eagerly waited to pounce on Hagrit and flog him with her cat-o-nine tails while the school staff watches on in horrified glee. Yeah, that never happened, but it should have.
Umbridge turns the school inot a min gestapo camp complete with her hit squad headed by a greasy looking Malfoy, who by his appearance, just escaped from a meth rehab clinic. Harry refuses to take this and starts training the other students to defend themeselves against the dark arts.
Harry and his team of teen wonders make their movie when he has a vision of Serious Black, his last living relative, being attacked by Voldemort. It’s a trap, of course, and Harry puts on his best pouty face at being duped and ambushed. Luckily, Serious and the order of the phoenix arrive in time to tip the tide of the battle, but not without getting himself blasted by Helena Bonham Carter buzzing on pixie dust and wearing Thriller Video cast offs.
On a side note, in every movie I see Helena Bonham Carter in I cannot help but think, Thats Helena Bonham Carter trussed up like a Victorian Strumpet or That’s Helena Bonham Carter camped out in a crack drug den or That’s Helena Bonham Carter slumming with an American accent or What’s Helena Bonham Carter chatting up Wallace & Gromit?
Harry of course probably was thinking, Helena Bonham Carter just killed my uncle! She escapes and Voldemort arrives for the final showdown, but Dumbledore saves the day by giving Harry a moment to collect his thoughts and fight the dark lord off.
